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Sevin Philips MFT: A video asking us to check out our assumptions about other people.
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Do you want something to change in your relationship and find yourself waiting, wanting, and resentful toward your partner, friend or lover? You might find yourself quietly brooding over an issue or even actively fighting this person while waiting for them to change. The intention of this article is to help you ask for what you want, invite support, and with or without that support, begin creating the life you want.
Here are some suggestions for creating change:
1. Get clear with yourself about what you want.
* Stick to what you want for yourself, not what you want for “the other.”
* Keep it simple and keep in perspective what you really want.
For example:
*I want more quality time in our relationship vs. I want you to stop watching TV when we’re together.
*I want more family time together in the evenings vs. I want my partner to not work so late.
*I want to create a team effort in carpooling the kids to school vs. I want you to step up carpooling.
2. Ask for what you want.
* Choose a good time to talk. (i.e. not right after work)
* Ask the other, “Do you have about 10-15 minutes to sit down and talk with me?”
* Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
3. Don’t explain, justify and defend, or argue over your wants.
* If “the other” gets upset and argues, do not engage. It is in your power not to argue. You can listen without defending your request. This may be a difficult practice, depending on how long you have known the person.
* Be mindful of built-up emotions that may emerge.
* Be both gentle and persistent with yourself.
4. If you find disagreement or resistance, ask, “How can you support me in this?”
* Often we ask “Why can’t you help me?” Instead of asking why, ask how.
* Asking how empowers and invites the other to find a way to help you.
Most likely your relationship began with an intention to support one another: hence, asking how one might provide support brings the other back to this original intention.
5. Be willing to walk away if there is a standstill.
* Don’t be afraid to disengage and walk away if you continue to be met with resistance. The intention in this practice is to be clear, ask for what you want, and invite openness for change. If you have said all that you wanted to, and said it in a good way, trust that a seed has been planted, regardless of immediate outcome.
6. Find ways to create the change you want, with or without support.
* Remember, you want change in your life. You are doing this in order to be happier and more fulfilled, so you must be responsible for your own happiness!
* If you’re still feeling resentful at the lack of support while attempting to create the change on your own, stop. Wait until you can attempt the desired change in better spirits.
* Of course there will be some limits to what you can do on your own. Decisions that involve shared assets, such as finances, will need to be put on hold.
Some examples of creating change on your own…
* I want more quality time in our relationship. Create the quality time in your life and invite your partner to share in it.
*I want more family time together. Create more time to spend with your family, invite your partner to join you.
I hope you find these steps helpful. If what you have been doing isn’t working, I suggest you try something different. Remember: It is normal to feel awkward and stiff when working on new habits. Even though this article is about taking care of your needs, do not be surprised if your partner changes all on their own. Rather than pushing and fighting, inviting your partner to support you creates, over time, more openness to the possibility of change.
By: Sevin Philips, MFT
