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Sevin Philips MFT: A video asking us to check out our assumptions about other people.
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Do you keep ending up with people who are not good for you? Yes, it’s true the person you are picking is behaving poorly. Since we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we must examine our own patterns in picking the wrong person. In doing this, we can begin to conceptualize healthy relationships and hold that as our new standard.
Unhealthy Relationships:
Healthy Relationships:
Remember unhealthy patterns are necessary to learn and grow!
(video- click on link above)
When you are unhappy in a relationship and don’t advocate for yourself it becomes a dangerous position. Unmet needs, if they are deep enough, have to find a way to be fulfilled. If you sense that you are unhappy and find yourself drawn to someone else, it is a warning sign to pull back and deal with the intimacy issues in your committed relationship. To indulge in the other relationship is emotional cheating.
Warning signs:
1.Long-term unhappiness in your committed relationship
2.Fantasizing about other people or relationships in excess
3.Romantic intriguing with people
How to move forward:
1.Cut off all contact with the person whom you are intrigued with
2.Turn back to your relationship and deal with the intimacy issues at hand
3.Get professional help if needed
Although facing the intimacy issues in your relationship may mean the end of that relationship, you will spare your partner and yourself much heartache. You can walk with your head held high, knowing you did the right thing. Many times the relationship can be saved; it just requires some worthwhile work.
(If you don’t see video click link above)
If you want to be in a relationship, you need to be with someone who is capable of showing up and participating in that relationship. So many of us want to be in relationships so badly that we overlook someone’s capacity to have one. If you’re dating and want to be in a committed relationship, pay attention to your potential partner’s availability; watch out for the warning signs. If you’re that person who is unavailable you may want to spend some time going solo or if you need help, get support before going into your next relationship.
The emotionally unavailable
Warning signs of an emotionally unavailable person:
1. Concurrently in another relationship. (duhhh!, but it has to be said)
2. Still processing the end of a previous relationship; which is usually a 3-6mo minimum?
3. Can show up physically, yet pulls back from deepening intimacy. This is the emotionally avoidant person.
a. Has had difficulty in being in long term relationships in the past.
b. Resists having difficult and necessary emotional communications.
c. May have a hard time committing to one person or taking the relationship to the next level.
d. Is going through an emotional crisis while in a relationship; experiencing significant loss or stress.
e. Runs away when things get hard.
f. Are you chasing someone and getting little in return?
The geographically unavailable
This one is pretty obvious. If you are considering dating someone long distance, you are going to be entering into a relationship where this person will not be able to spend time with you physically. It is difficult to build a relationship without a consistent connection and getting together to spend quality time. If you are already in a relationship and one person is temporarily moving away, it is slightly different. If your online profile parameters are beyond driving distance, be careful
The physically unavailable
Some folks love their careers. It can be deeply rewarding to love what you do, however, when someone works so much that they cannot spend enough time to enrich the relationship, they become physically unavailable to be in a relationship. Although people can be in a relationship for a long time while simultaneously overworking, their partners usually end up feeling resentful or hurt.
“Video Link”
If we are on the computer too long our partners can feel a little left out. Even worse so if they are talking to us while we multi-task online. This article is meant to be a reminder to us all, ‘We need to be mindful of our boundaries between business and personal time spent online and with our families or loved ones.” You may not classify yourself as an internet addict, however most of us can admit, at some level, our gadgets and attention online can and do interfere with our relationships.
Here are some warning signs that your time spent online is getting in the way of your relationships:
1. Surfing the web becomes a more powerful draw than spending time with family or friends.
2. Paying more attention to gadgets than what is happening in real life.
3. Fiddling with your mobile device while on a date.
4. Checking social networking sites, emails or feeds obsessively.
5. People feel hurt when you are talking with them and clicking away on the computer at the same time.
6. Gaming more than 1-2 hours a day
7. Texting or checking email while driving
Help finding the balance
1. Define where work ends and personal life begins, especially for those of us who are online for a living.
2. Set limits to checking email and visiting social sites.
3. Define inappropriate times to use technology.
4. Set a boundary with yourself if your work expects you to monitor business communications outside of work.
5. If your girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or friend is talking to you while online, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention or tell them that you need to finish up and get back to them later.
6. Never text or check email while driving, even though it is tempting.
7. If your ‘numbing out’ with technology, come back to your life and face the issues you’re avoiding.
8. Stay away from texting or IMing while you’re newly dating someone. It’s too easy to be misunderstood by someone who doesn’t really know you yet.
I suggest you try some of these practices in your daily life for a week’s time. If it doesn’t enrich your relationships, you can always go back to your old life.
By Sevin Philips, MFT
Talking about sex is one of the most difficult and awkward conversations to have. Most of us never learned how. As a couples’ counselor, I see common themes that get in the way of talking about sex.
Ways to develop more comfort around sex:
By Sevin Philips, MFT
Love is an amazing event that grows between two people. You can love someone and yet at times be disrespectful and unloving towards each other. This cycle is heart-wrenching and can erode love quicker than anything. The cycle begins with a person in the relationship feeling hurt, unloved or disrespected and leads to this person feeling justified in their poor behavior. .
Relationship Advice:
We all have the right to be treated with respect no matter what. We all have inherent value and worth.
1. Two people agree that it is unacceptable to be disrespectful.
2. Agree that time-outs are OK. (Walk away in a good way)
3. Wait twenty four hours to talk again about issues.
*Many people find that after 24 hours the original issue isn’t as important as remembered.
1- The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect, as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others.
2- The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally, you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your actions, or automatic compliance with your wants.
3- The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no” because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable person realizes that:
• It is not healthy to hurt yourself.
• Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself.
• You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value others.
• Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less experience).
• You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires.
4- The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us.
5- The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake).
6- The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes, however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing your original quote).
7- The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships. Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the other person wants.
8- The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having recognized this).
9- The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your
questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use.
10- The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It is impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your mistakes and to rectify your errors.
11- The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself.
Author: unknown (A friend gave me this paper copy with no author mentioned)
Asking yourself what you want to do in every little moment is not as simple as it sounds. Fear of hurting someone, causing uncomfortable conflict, or not having your needs met are all ways in which we stop ourselves from asking what we truly want.
Socialization has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish and bad. This is an old story often used to stifle our ability to live freely. We are beings who desire and have needs. The question “What do I want?” is about taking care of ourselves in every moment and, in the process, respecting ourselves and others.
I believe that deep down we are all aching for the truth from one another. Think about the times a friend or family member has asked you for something and you were aware that you didn’t want to do it. If you do it anyway, you may experience resistance or resentment, which becomes apparent to both sides. Both people lose. If you don’t say no, and just give an excuse for your absence, you may experience sadness around the inauthenticity in your relationship. Just saying no, although initially disappointing for some, is what both people want. Taking care of yourself by being honest builds trust in a relationship. Taking care of yourself gives permission to the other person to do the same with you. Hence, when we actually are available to each other, it is a gift.
If this practice feels too scary at first, just start by asking yourself the question. Be curious about the ways you stop yourself from asking for what you want. Asking this question will start the process of coming back to yourself. There is enough in this world for you. There is enough for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.
Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT
