How to Communicate What’s Hard to Say…in 5 Sentences or Less!
These step-by-step instructions work great for relationships that are hard- pressed with issues that keep coming back. Perhaps you are unhappy with a certain relationship dynamic you have with a family member, friend, or coworker. You may find yourself bitter, angry, or defensive, and once again locked into old patterns of destructive behavior.
Life is precious. There is no need for you to continue suffering. Communicate clearly and take yourself out of that loop!
The foundation for this practice is to take responsibility for your peace and happiness by asking for what you want and, if necessary, removing yourself from the unpleasant situation. Telling the other person what is going on with you gives them the opportunity to change.
Some things to consider before you begin:
* Get clear before you communicate. Writing down your thoughts is a powerful way for you to get clear.
* Avoid adding hooks. A hook is something that is meant to hurt, pull, or manipulate the other person. Hooks will dilute your truth.
* Refrain from being reactionary. This might feel awkward and mechanical at first because you are breaking out of unconscious, reactionary patterns of communication.
* Choose appropriate format: person-to-person or a letter? Talking face-to- face is the preferred method. If you feel unsafe, you can communicate over the phone. If you sense your patterns are really severe, I suggest you write a
letter.
* Use a second pair of eyes. It is hard to see our own stuff. Have someone review what you have written, and then get feedback.
5 steps to communicating hard-to-say issues:
Step 1: Tell the listener why you want to talk with them. (Be respectful of their time.)
Example: “Our relationship is important to me and something has come up that I want to talk about. Do you have time to talk?”
Step 2: Describe the behavior that affects you.
Example: “When we talk on the phone and you tell me what other people say about me…”
Step 3: Tell the person how you feel about that behavior.
Example: “When we…and you tell me…I feel unsafe, scared, and confused.”
Step 4: Ask for what you want.
Example: “I want you to not include any information regarding other people’s feelings about me in our conversations.”
Step 5: Invite change.
Example: “How can you support me in what I am asking?
Example: “I feel that this will bring us closer; will you support me?”
Step 6 [Optional]: Take care of yourself by developing healthy boundaries. (Serious patterns may need this extra step).
Example: “When you are not able to do this, I am going to take responsibility for myself by ending the conversation (i.e. getting off the phone or simply walking away) until we can talk again later.”
Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT
