Relationship Counseling Center

Stop playing the game of passive communication

Passive forms of communication include passive aggressiveness, guilt, silent scorn, and eye rolling or other non-verbal behavior. Passive communication forms such as these manifest into these passive forms when we are not in environments or family systems that support our true feelings or needs. We withhold our truth in an attempt to avoid saying something uncomfortable, confrontational or potentially upsetting. For some people, this may seem like a caring act. Upon closer examination, however, we find more dysfunction than benefit. Our true needs or feelings get suppressed and eventually come out sideways. Passive forms of communication are not only unclear and ripe with misinterpretation but they also lead to ongoing resentment and a feeling of manipulation.

The best way to break this cycle is to ourselves be more assertive. When we have needs or uncomfortable feelings we risk the confrontation knowing the alternative to be ultimately more painful and confusing.

Steps to overcome passive communication:

1. Stop doing what ‘you think’ the other person wants
2. Notice behavior in others that is unclear or unsaid
3. Check out your assumption with the other person
Examples:
1. I noticed you rolled your eyes, are you upset?
2. When you say you don’t care anymore, are you trying to say you do not want to go with me?
3. When you say I am ‘acting like a baby’, are you trying to tell me you do not like my decision?

The point of this practice is to diminish the use of passive forms of communication to manipulation or control. These steps are not meant to teach or change others; they are here to change our relationship with them. We invite clear communication, support all needs being addressed and if necessary, deal with two opposing needs.

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

Love is an amazing event that grows between two people. You can love someone and yet at times be disrespectful and unloving towards each other. This cycle is heart-wrenching and can erode love quicker than anything. The cycle begins with a person in the relationship feeling hurt, unloved or disrespected and leads to this person feeling justified in their poor behavior. .
Relationship Advice:
We all have the right to be treated with respect no matter what. We all have inherent value and worth.
1. Two people agree that it is unacceptable to be disrespectful.
2. Agree that time-outs are OK. (Walk away in a good way)
3. Wait twenty four hours to talk again about issues.
*Many people find that after 24 hours the original issue isn’t as important as remembered.

Sevin Philips, MFT offers advice on dating-

Going fast creates ‘False Intimacy’ which leads to getting into the wrong relationships.
Key behaviors leading to false intimacy:
•    Sex too soon
•    Spending the night
•    Spending too much time
•    Trust and time–over-disclosing

Key practices to slowing down:
•    No sex for 10-12 dates
•    Meeting for coffee instead of extended evening dates
•    Little to no alcohol consumption
•    Limiting contact (emails, phone, text or dates)

Sevin Philips, MFT offers Dating Advice

Dating: Is this chemistry or am I in fantasy?
Socialization- Movies/childhood stories
Discernment: Want vs. need,
Ask the question: Do they want the same thing?
Dating Suggestions:
1. Make a list- get clear about what you want in a partner vs. what is essential.
2. Letting go of the person in a good way vs. stop calling
3. Make it a gift not a democracy- Come up with creative ideas; take over on a date night.

Personal Freedom- “Being the fullest expression of ourselves”
Problem- Living a life unlived.
Major roadblocks to living a big life.
• Fear of being seen as egocentric, self-centered or selfish
• Playing small for others (fear of making others feel bad)
• Negative beliefs (childhood, family or difficult experiences)
• Fear of finding out if our negative beliefs are actually true
Is there room for more meaning in your life?

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

Personal freedom:
Each one of us has a unique expression; we all can express ourselves in smaller ways and yet be just as beautiful.
Don’t believe me- find out for yourself, your own experience is your best teacher.
Suggestions:
• Explore how you stop yourself (ie. Negative stories)
• Give yourself permission to find out
• Be curious, you don’t have to know in order to explore
Process is organic- outcome may not be what you expected.
• Find supportive people
• Empty-handed leap into the unknown
• Being scared is a normal part of the process
• If you fall down, it isn’t failure

Relationship advice by Sevin Philips, MFT

Many people talk about surviving the holidays. I suggest you can do more than just survive: you can recreate your holidays. I’m not encouraging you to tackle the 100 pound gorilla in your family’s living room, but simply to set a new intention for yourself and create the holiday you want in small and meaningful ways.

The premise behind this change comes from slowing down and asking yourself, “What do I want?” Then continue practicing this method of self-care during times of stress. Changing old patterns in relationships requires being gentle, being patient, and taking the time.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Give yourself permission to stop at any given time.
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone in order take time out for yourself. It is your right to stop, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” The answer may be, “I don’t know.” That’s ok. It is healing enough to take the time to ask yourself this question. This is the essence of self-care.

2. Make an agreement with your spouse, your partner, or a safe family member to have a check-in time during parties or family events.
Having a predetermined check-in time midway through a holiday event can be a great breather, especially during difficult gatherings. Just use this check-in for each of you to see how the other is doing. Devising a codeword for each other can be another way to set up a spontaneous check-in for those unexpected stressful moments.

3. Limit your commitments.
If you are one of those people who overcommits to events and then feels rough and ragged by the end of the holiday season, this tip is for you. Feelings of guilt and pressure to attend holiday events are common. Remember you can always say no to an invitation. This is not an invitation is not a reflection on how well you like or dislike the host. You are just taking it slow this holiday season. Set a goal for yourself and limit the amount of events you will attend. You may find yourself enjoying the parties you do attend with greater enthusiasm.

4. Let go of expectations.
It’s ok to want your holidays to be different. Set your mind with good intentions and an open heart, and let go of results. Focus on what you can bring to the event, not what you expect to get out of it. This will help to reduce feelings of disappointment and leave room to be pleasantly surprised.

5. Create your own holiday traditions.
Write down what a stress-free holiday might look like for you. Pick one or two ideas that you like, and offer your suggestions to others. You may find that other people feel the same as you and would also love a change of pace. Creating new traditions does not require others to participate, so don’t be afraid to start a new holiday tradition by yourself. This might be the best holiday gift you receive.

Article by: Sevin Philips,MFT

1- The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect, as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others.

2- The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally, you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your actions, or automatic compliance with your wants.

3- The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no” because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable person realizes that:

• It is not healthy to hurt yourself.

• Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself.

• You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value others.

• Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less experience).

• You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires.

4- The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us.

5- The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake).

6- The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes, however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing your original quote).

7- The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships. Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the other person wants.

8- The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having recognized this).

9- The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your

questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use.

10- The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It is impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your mistakes and to rectify your errors.

11- The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself.

Author: unknown (A friend gave me this paper copy with no author mentioned)

Asking yourself what you want to do in every little moment is not as simple as it sounds. Fear of hurting someone, causing uncomfortable conflict, or not having your needs met are all ways in which we stop ourselves from asking what we truly want.

Socialization has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish and bad. This is an old story often used to stifle our ability to live freely. We are beings who desire and have needs. The question “What do I want?” is about taking care of ourselves in every moment and, in the process, respecting ourselves and others.

I believe that deep down we are all aching for the truth from one another. Think about the times a friend or family member has asked you for something and you were aware that you didn’t want to do it. If you do it anyway, you may experience resistance or resentment, which becomes apparent to both sides. Both people lose. If you don’t say no, and just give an excuse for your absence, you may experience sadness around the inauthenticity in your relationship. Just saying no, although initially disappointing for some, is what both people want. Taking care of yourself by being honest builds trust in a relationship. Taking care of yourself gives permission to the other person to do the same with you. Hence, when we actually are available to each other, it is a gift.

If this practice feels too scary at first, just start by asking yourself the question. Be curious about the ways you stop yourself from asking for what you want. Asking this question will start the process of coming back to yourself. There is enough in this world for you. There is enough for all of us to be happy and fulfilled.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT

If you have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to improve yourself in order to make life work yet have been deeply disappointed, this article is for you. We are taught to believe that there is something inherently wrong with us. We spend time trying to pinpoint these flaws, and then judge them once they are found. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our flaws by punishing ourselves.

Many of us were conditioned to believe that we are not inherently good. We got the message every time we heard things like, “You shouldn’t have done this,” “You should have done that,” or “You should be ashamed of yourself!” It is these shaming messages that lead us to be so judgmental with ourselves.

The perspective that holds one’s innate Being as perfect, unflawed, and intrinsically good proves worthwhile in supporting a path of personal growth. The belief that all Beings are inherently good, a traditional Buddhist tenet, has provided fertile ground for various transformative practices. If believing that there is nothing wrong with you seems like too big a pill to swallow right now, you are not alone.

Start by examining your experience simply as it is, and not as you believe it to be. Keep in mind that being “inherently good” does not preclude you from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost, scared, or regretful in response to the myriad of challenges we face in our relationships is just a part of the human experience, not proof of the wrongness in you. There is nothing wrong with you. Life is just full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. They arise and pass over the arc of time.

Here are some suggestions to explore:

• Start observing. Listen to your “.”

• Stay aware. Notice the negative criticism, paying special attention to shoulds.

• Start asking questions. How old is this negative dialogue? Is it possible that this is a story I was told long ago? How did these stories start?

• Be gentle. Take care not to beat yourself up for having these negative stories.

• Challenge yourself. When negative thoughts come up, begin asking, “Is this a story about me?” Always challenge yourself with honest, open curiosity.

• Get support. As your practice unfolds you will begin to separate the old stories from your true experience. Breaking out of our old stories can be hard work when done by ourselves. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist or a trusted mentor or guide.

Article by: Sevin Philips MFT