Relationships: Talking about sex!
Talking about sex is one of the most difficult and awkward conversations to have. Most of us never learned how. As a couples’ counselor, I see common themes that get in the way of talking about sex.
Ways to develop more comfort around sex:
- Make an agreement that saying what you want or need doesn’t mean something is wrong, only a desire to improve your sexual connection.
- Don’t let your sexual ego get in the way of being curious about your sexual partner’s specific needs. All people are completely different. Each of us has different wants and needs. Let go of thinking you universally know how to please and move toward the mystery of your partner’s body.
- Make an agreement to talk about your sex life more often: Like most things, the more you do it the more comfortable it will become. Talking about sex can lead to greater satisfaction and that is not so bad.
- When differences in sexual desire exist pressure to have sex more often can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The pressure of moving towards a partner can make that person want to go in the opposite direction. To some degree there will always be someone who wants sex more often than the other. In order to avoid creating more distance the partner who wants sex more needs to back off a bit, giving room for their partner to come forward. Those in the position of feeling pressured need to mindfully come forward in response to the newfound space. Many times cuddling can be difficult, because it is seen as a way to get sex. In these cases, make it clear that cuddling can just be cuddling when you want it that way.
- If resentment or hurt is present in your relationship move towards resolving this. There is a direct correlation between sexual desire and disharmony in a relationship. Sometimes you need to work on the emotional and trust issues before moving forward in your sex life.
By Sevin Philips, MFT
