Relationship Counseling Center

(Click on link above to see video)

Here are some good reminders to create a stress-free holiday.

Stop playing the game of passive communication

Passive forms of communication include passive aggressiveness, guilt, silent scorn, and eye rolling or other non-verbal behavior. Passive communication forms such as these manifest into these passive forms when we are not in environments or family systems that support our true feelings or needs. We withhold our truth in an attempt to avoid saying something uncomfortable, confrontational or potentially upsetting. For some people, this may seem like a caring act. Upon closer examination, however, we find more dysfunction than benefit. Our true needs or feelings get suppressed and eventually come out sideways. Passive forms of communication are not only unclear and ripe with misinterpretation but they also lead to ongoing resentment and a feeling of manipulation.

The best way to break this cycle is to ourselves be more assertive. When we have needs or uncomfortable feelings we risk the confrontation knowing the alternative to be ultimately more painful and confusing.

Steps to overcome passive communication:

1. Stop doing what ‘you think’ the other person wants
2. Notice behavior in others that is unclear or unsaid
3. Check out your assumption with the other person
Examples:
1. I noticed you rolled your eyes, are you upset?
2. When you say you don’t care anymore, are you trying to say you do not want to go with me?
3. When you say I am ‘acting like a baby’, are you trying to tell me you do not like my decision?

The point of this practice is to diminish the use of passive forms of communication to manipulation or control. These steps are not meant to teach or change others; they are here to change our relationship with them. We invite clear communication, support all needs being addressed and if necessary, deal with two opposing needs.

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

Many people talk about surviving the holidays. I suggest you can do more than just survive: you can recreate your holidays. I’m not encouraging you to tackle the 100 pound gorilla in your family’s living room, but simply to set a new intention for yourself and create the holiday you want in small and meaningful ways.

The premise behind this change comes from slowing down and asking yourself, “What do I want?” Then continue practicing this method of self-care during times of stress. Changing old patterns in relationships requires being gentle, being patient, and taking the time.

Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Give yourself permission to stop at any given time.
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone in order take time out for yourself. It is your right to stop, take a breath, and ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” The answer may be, “I don’t know.” That’s ok. It is healing enough to take the time to ask yourself this question. This is the essence of self-care.

2. Make an agreement with your spouse, your partner, or a safe family member to have a check-in time during parties or family events.
Having a predetermined check-in time midway through a holiday event can be a great breather, especially during difficult gatherings. Just use this check-in for each of you to see how the other is doing. Devising a codeword for each other can be another way to set up a spontaneous check-in for those unexpected stressful moments.

3. Limit your commitments.
If you are one of those people who overcommits to events and then feels rough and ragged by the end of the holiday season, this tip is for you. Feelings of guilt and pressure to attend holiday events are common. Remember you can always say no to an invitation. This is not an invitation is not a reflection on how well you like or dislike the host. You are just taking it slow this holiday season. Set a goal for yourself and limit the amount of events you will attend. You may find yourself enjoying the parties you do attend with greater enthusiasm.

4. Let go of expectations.
It’s ok to want your holidays to be different. Set your mind with good intentions and an open heart, and let go of results. Focus on what you can bring to the event, not what you expect to get out of it. This will help to reduce feelings of disappointment and leave room to be pleasantly surprised.

5. Create your own holiday traditions.
Write down what a stress-free holiday might look like for you. Pick one or two ideas that you like, and offer your suggestions to others. You may find that other people feel the same as you and would also love a change of pace. Creating new traditions does not require others to participate, so don’t be afraid to start a new holiday tradition by yourself. This might be the best holiday gift you receive.

Article by: Sevin Philips,MFT