Relationship Counseling Center

Stop playing the game of passive communication

Passive forms of communication include passive aggressiveness, guilt, silent scorn, and eye rolling or other non-verbal behavior. Passive communication forms such as these manifest into these passive forms when we are not in environments or family systems that support our true feelings or needs. We withhold our truth in an attempt to avoid saying something uncomfortable, confrontational or potentially upsetting. For some people, this may seem like a caring act. Upon closer examination, however, we find more dysfunction than benefit. Our true needs or feelings get suppressed and eventually come out sideways. Passive forms of communication are not only unclear and ripe with misinterpretation but they also lead to ongoing resentment and a feeling of manipulation.

The best way to break this cycle is to ourselves be more assertive. When we have needs or uncomfortable feelings we risk the confrontation knowing the alternative to be ultimately more painful and confusing.

Steps to overcome passive communication:

1. Stop doing what ‘you think’ the other person wants
2. Notice behavior in others that is unclear or unsaid
3. Check out your assumption with the other person
Examples:
1. I noticed you rolled your eyes, are you upset?
2. When you say you don’t care anymore, are you trying to say you do not want to go with me?
3. When you say I am ‘acting like a baby’, are you trying to tell me you do not like my decision?

The point of this practice is to diminish the use of passive forms of communication to manipulation or control. These steps are not meant to teach or change others; they are here to change our relationship with them. We invite clear communication, support all needs being addressed and if necessary, deal with two opposing needs.

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

Love is an amazing event that grows between two people. You can love someone and yet at times be disrespectful and unloving towards each other. This cycle is heart-wrenching and can erode love quicker than anything. The cycle begins with a person in the relationship feeling hurt, unloved or disrespected and leads to this person feeling justified in their poor behavior. .
Relationship Advice:
We all have the right to be treated with respect no matter what. We all have inherent value and worth.
1. Two people agree that it is unacceptable to be disrespectful.
2. Agree that time-outs are OK. (Walk away in a good way)
3. Wait twenty four hours to talk again about issues.
*Many people find that after 24 hours the original issue isn’t as important as remembered.

1- The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect, as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. You have the right to decide your values and lifestyles so long as you don’t violate the rights of others.

2- The right to be treated with respect. You have the right to be treated courteously by salespeople, parents, employers, and doctors; more generally, you have the right to be treated as a capable human being and not to be patronized. This does not mean deference, the unquestioning approval of your actions, or automatic compliance with your wants.

3- The right to say no and not feel guilty. Constantly placing what you want below the wants of other people is self-defeating. Many people have trouble saying “no” because they feel they should be “unselfish,” which really means, “unless I think of others first and give until I hurt, I’m being selfish.” A healthy, reasonable person realizes that:

• It is not healthy to hurt yourself.

• Caring for others does not require caring less for yourself.

• You have a personal responsibility to value yourself as much as you value others.

• Your wants do not have less value than other people’s simply because of who you are (a parent, student, employee) or what you have (less power, less experience).

• You are not an open system with limitless energy and capacity to fulfill other people’s desires.

4- The right to experience and express your feelings. Our feelings are a natural part of being human. It is more logical to accept the human right to experience our true feelings than to feel guilty about them. Conversely, understanding and accepting other people doesn’t mean passively accepting their abusive behavior, especially when it has tangible negative effects on us.

5- The right to take time to slow down and think. Many people believe they will never get what they want unless they hurry up and make a decision. Hurrying a decision does not automatically lead to getting things accomplished any more effectively (you’re actually more likely to make a mistake).

6- The right to change your mind. Changing your mind on the basis of new information shows flexibility. Refusing to change your mind when it is realistic to do so shows rigidity and stubbornness rather than true strength. Sometimes, however, changing your mind is not appropriate (e.g., you agree to do a job for a specific sum and after completing it, decide it was worth more and changing your original quote).

7- The right to ask for what you want. When we don’t assertively ask for what we want, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to trying to get what we want in devious ways that are likely to cause bad feelings and damage relationships. Asking for what we want gives the other person permission to clearly and directly ask for what she/he wants too. Neither person has to second-guess what the other person wants.

8- The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. You have the right to give less than 100% all the time. You have a perfect right to waste your own time, to know what you want, and to ask for help even if you don’t need it but just for the fun of having other people help you with unpleasant tasks. You have the right to organize your work so that you can maximize your enjoyment, and you have the right to do less than your best. (Lots of things aren’t really worth doing our best at, and you are probably better off—and not less of a person—for having recognized this).

9- The right to ask for information. You have the right to get a second opinion, to have inadequate work redone at no extra charge, to ask for references, to get what you paid for, and to say “I don’t understand.” Getting answers to your

questions is a way of building trust in a person whose services you may use.

10- The right to make mistakes. No one has made it through life mistake-free. It is impossible to avoid making at least a few mistakes, since it is impossible to be perfect and know everything. It is your responsibility to accept the consequences of your mistakes and to rectify your errors.

11- The right to feel good about yourself. Many people have difficulty giving themselves this right because they have been taught to believe they must be modest or humble. Being modest or humble does not mean humiliating yourself.

Author: unknown (A friend gave me this paper copy with no author mentioned)

Fighting with another person is a difficult and painful experience. You probably have that special someone who you always seem to get heated up around. Fights are often with the people we love. There is a way out of all this fighting, and it does not require the other person to change. This is good news, since waiting for another to change may leave you waiting a long time.

Often in relationships we feel threatened. Fighting is one way we can feel more powerful. In the end, this exchange leaves most of us feeling drained and damaged. Here are some suggestions to help to ease your suffering:

1. Don’t ask why. “Why” is a word that often elicits defensiveness and arguing.

2. Use “and” instead of “but” in any conversation. “And” is inclusive, which allows for more possibilities. But is negating, which tends to limit possibilities.

3. If you want to express your dislike, try the following.

When you ___________ (what the behavior is) I feel _______ (state your feeling).

Saying it this way focuses on the behavior and the not the person as a whole. It also includes your feelings, which make you vulnerable. Showing vulnerability can really help someone trust your intentions and move into peaceful communication.

4. Let go of being right. Being right is a losing battle. Every man/woman is king/queen of their experience. It’s YOUR EXPERIENCE. Honor the standstill and walk away. What seems important one day is not so important the next. Ask yourself, is being right worth all this suffering?

Be gentle with yourself if you decide to practice some of these suggestions. I’m always open to feedback if you wish to share any experience you have with these practices.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT

Learn about the push-pull effect of the pursuer and distancer and some instruction on how to change for the better.

Pursuer in relationship

These step-by-step instructions work great for relationships that are hard- pressed with issues that keep coming back. Perhaps you are unhappy  with a certain relationship dynamic you have with a family member, friend, or coworker. You may find yourself bitter, angry, or defensive, and once again locked into old patterns of destructive behavior.

Life is precious. There is no need for you to continue suffering. Communicate clearly and take yourself out of that loop!

The foundation for this practice is to take responsibility for your peace and happiness by asking for what you want and, if necessary, removing yourself from the unpleasant situation. Telling the other person what is going on with you gives them the opportunity to change.

Some things to consider before you begin:

* Get clear before you communicate. Writing down your thoughts is a powerful way for you to get clear.
* Avoid adding hooks. A hook is something that is meant to hurt, pull, or manipulate the other person. Hooks will dilute your truth.
* Refrain from being reactionary. This might feel awkward and mechanical at first because you are breaking out of unconscious, reactionary patterns of communication.
* Choose appropriate format: person-to-person or a letter? Talking face-to- face is the preferred method. If you feel unsafe, you can communicate over the phone. If you sense your patterns are really severe, I suggest you write a
letter.
* Use a second pair of eyes. It is hard to see our own stuff. Have someone review what you have written, and then get feedback.

5 steps to communicating hard-to-say issues:

Step 1: Tell the listener why you want to talk with them. (Be respectful of their time.)

Example: “Our relationship is important to me and something has come up that I want to talk about. Do you have time to talk?”

Step 2: Describe the behavior that affects you.

Example: “When we talk on the phone and you tell me what other people say about me…”

Step 3: Tell the person how you feel about that behavior.

Example: “When we…and you tell me…I feel unsafe, scared, and confused.”

Step 4: Ask for what you want.

Example: “I want you to not include any information regarding other people’s feelings about me in our conversations.”

Step 5: Invite change.

Example: “How can you support me in what I am asking?

Example: “I feel that this will bring us closer; will you support me?”

Step 6 [Optional]: Take care of yourself by developing healthy boundaries. (Serious patterns may need this extra step).

Example: “When you are not able to do this, I am going to take responsibility for myself by ending the conversation (i.e. getting off the phone or simply walking away) until we can talk again later.”

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT