Relationship Counseling Center

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A perfectionist thinks that anything less then perfect is unacceptable.  Most of us are just plain hard on ourselves for not achieving what we think we should.  The problem is perfection is not obtainable or sustainable, thus you are never satisfied.  Our self criticism can come from a number of places. From a difficult, strict upbringing, or we can be driven to perfection in order to make people respect or love us more.  No matter what the motivation, the resulting painful element is not feeling like we are good enough.  We miss the gentleness and our inherent value as human beings.

Healing the inner perfectionist

• Understanding perfect is boring and uninteresting
• It is the scrapper and underdog that is most admired
• Make it a practice of being the best person you can be, without expectation of an outcome. (See and admit shortcomings, and get back up when you fall off your practice)

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Genuineness
1. If we don’t have to be anything other then what we are in every moment then we relax, we no longer need to be prepared, braced to change something that isn’t true
2. We give others permission to do the same
3. We get all that energy we used to create some artificial persona back, we relax and feel right with the world

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If we are on the computer too long our partners can feel a little left out. Even worse so if they are talking to us while we multi-task online. This article is meant to be a reminder to us all, ‘We need to be mindful of our boundaries between business and personal time spent online and with our families or loved ones.” You may not classify yourself as an internet addict, however most of us can admit, at some level, our gadgets and attention online can and do interfere with our relationships.
Here are some warning signs that your time spent online is getting in the way of your relationships:
1. Surfing the web becomes a more powerful draw than spending time with family or friends.
2. Paying more attention to gadgets than what is happening in real life.
3. Fiddling with your mobile device while on a date.
4. Checking social networking sites, emails or feeds obsessively.
5. People feel hurt when you are talking with them and clicking away on the computer at the same time.
6. Gaming more than 1-2 hours a day
7. Texting or checking email while driving
Help finding the balance
1. Define where work ends and personal life begins, especially for those of us who are online for a living.
2. Set limits to checking email and visiting social sites.
3. Define inappropriate times to use technology.
4. Set a boundary with yourself if your work expects you to monitor business communications outside of work.
5. If your girlfriend/boyfriend, partner or friend is talking to you while online, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention or tell them that you need to finish up and get back to them later.
6. Never text or check email while driving, even though it is tempting.
7. If your ‘numbing out’ with technology, come back to your life and face the issues you’re avoiding.
8. Stay away from texting or IMing while you’re newly dating someone. It’s too easy to be misunderstood by someone who doesn’t really know you yet.
I suggest you try some of these practices in your daily life for a week’s time. If it doesn’t enrich your relationships, you can always go back to your old life.

By Sevin Philips, MFT

Personal Freedom- “Being the fullest expression of ourselves”
Problem- Living a life unlived.
Major roadblocks to living a big life.
• Fear of being seen as egocentric, self-centered or selfish
• Playing small for others (fear of making others feel bad)
• Negative beliefs (childhood, family or difficult experiences)
• Fear of finding out if our negative beliefs are actually true
Is there room for more meaning in your life?

Relationship advice by, Sevin Philips, MFT

Personal freedom:
Each one of us has a unique expression; we all can express ourselves in smaller ways and yet be just as beautiful.
Don’t believe me- find out for yourself, your own experience is your best teacher.
Suggestions:
• Explore how you stop yourself (ie. Negative stories)
• Give yourself permission to find out
• Be curious, you don’t have to know in order to explore
Process is organic- outcome may not be what you expected.
• Find supportive people
• Empty-handed leap into the unknown
• Being scared is a normal part of the process
• If you fall down, it isn’t failure

Relationship advice by Sevin Philips, MFT

If you have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to improve yourself in order to make life work yet have been deeply disappointed, this article is for you. We are taught to believe that there is something inherently wrong with us. We spend time trying to pinpoint these flaws, and then judge them once they are found. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our flaws by punishing ourselves.

Many of us were conditioned to believe that we are not inherently good. We got the message every time we heard things like, “You shouldn’t have done this,” “You should have done that,” or “You should be ashamed of yourself!” It is these shaming messages that lead us to be so judgmental with ourselves.

The perspective that holds one’s innate Being as perfect, unflawed, and intrinsically good proves worthwhile in supporting a path of personal growth. The belief that all Beings are inherently good, a traditional Buddhist tenet, has provided fertile ground for various transformative practices. If believing that there is nothing wrong with you seems like too big a pill to swallow right now, you are not alone.

Start by examining your experience simply as it is, and not as you believe it to be. Keep in mind that being “inherently good” does not preclude you from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost, scared, or regretful in response to the myriad of challenges we face in our relationships is just a part of the human experience, not proof of the wrongness in you. There is nothing wrong with you. Life is just full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. They arise and pass over the arc of time.

Here are some suggestions to explore:

• Start observing. Listen to your “.”

• Stay aware. Notice the negative criticism, paying special attention to shoulds.

• Start asking questions. How old is this negative dialogue? Is it possible that this is a story I was told long ago? How did these stories start?

• Be gentle. Take care not to beat yourself up for having these negative stories.

• Challenge yourself. When negative thoughts come up, begin asking, “Is this a story about me?” Always challenge yourself with honest, open curiosity.

• Get support. As your practice unfolds you will begin to separate the old stories from your true experience. Breaking out of our old stories can be hard work when done by ourselves. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a therapist or a trusted mentor or guide.

Article by: Sevin Philips MFT

The holidays are rife with obligations. As the calendar fills to the brim, you may start feeling overbooked and overwhelmed. When you get scared or are in a hurry, your mind tends to speed up. When you speed up you become disconnected from the present, or disconnected from the way things really are in any given moment. In this disjointed state, you are merely reacting to life. You may think you are making choices, but actually you are existing on autopilot. Reactionary living causes suffering. You tend to say and do things that you regret later. One way to break the cycle of reactionary living is through the practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is also known as meditation. There are many, many forms of mindfulness and meditation. One example of mindfulness is to mentally give a verbal label to each in-breath and out-breath. Each time you breathe in, you think (e.g.) “rising,” and each time you breathe out, you think “falling.” In this type of meditation, the breath serves as a tether to the present moment.

“You will notice the mind continually chattering with commentary or judgment. By noticing this, you have the ability to careful decide whether those thought have value. Most often, you will see that “thoughts are just thoughts”—the thoughts themselves have no weight. You become free to release a thought (“let it go”) when you realize that the thought is not concrete reality. You become free to make a choice in any given moment.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

I’m inviting you to create or reconnect to a practice of mindfulness. Pay attention to your body when you speed up, breathe, and slow down. Reactional living is no way to live a happy life. Be gentle and practice well.

Tip: Write down “breathe” on a piece of paper and put it in the places where you speed up, like your car.

Article by: Sevin Philips, MA MFTI
Quote by- Thich Nhat Hanh

Most of us have examined our minds and found a rough and ragged chatter that seems endless. That crazy committee in our head is getting together for our benefit, but in the end it brings us more suffering than clarity. The mind is an incredible tool. You can balance a checkbook, figure out distance on a map, or pull apart today’s most abstract political issue. Yet this tool has taken over as master of the house, trying to make decisions better left to intuition or the heart. This craziness in our heads is the cause of much suffering.

The mind is much like a computer: It can take in data, crunch numbers, and weigh the pros and cons. The mind is great for the checkbook, but not so great for making decisions about life, love, and relationships. A checkbook is black or white, whereas most things heart-related are somewhere in the gray. Most things in life are in this gray area. Yet the committee in your head, like a computer, views gray area like an unsolvable puzzle it keeps trying to solve.

So let’s throw out this unwanted master of the house and use the mind as a tool. You will find this a most difficult task. Our fear is behind the wheel, driving this crazy committee, and that makes it a tough nut to crack. We are afraid of the things that have not yet happened but that might bring us pain, suffering, or some other discomfort. Here lies a sad irony. We want to be happy and at peace with ourselves, yet the very nature of fear makes us anxious in the present and not at peace. Nevertheless, the committee continues to fill our head with thoughts. Beyond being mindful, you may find these practices worth the effort:

Be willing to not know.

After your mind has weighed the pros and cons of a situation for a short period of time, let the committee take a lunch break. Most clarity and creativity come from empty space. All great masterpieces are born of a blank canvas.

Be patient.

It usually takes time for the next indicated step or appropriate choice to be made. Slowing down is a good way to ensure that important details are not skipped.

Ask and listen.

Most of us are good at asking questions like, “What’s the best thing to do?” But are we willing to listen for the answer? Listening to God, your inner self, or the advice of a good friend requires some skill. Focus on listening and you may find the answer waiting for you.

Article By: Sevin Philips, MFT

Deep down, many believe that there is something inherently wrong with them. We spend time trying to pinpoint our flaws. We hate ourselves for being flawed, and attempt to eradicate our shortcomings by punishing ourselves. We act out this self-hate with a plethora of defeating behaviors which include, drugs, alcohol, over- or undereating, watching too much TV, proclaiming our flaws to those around us, or turning our backs on love. This self-defeating behavior fuels the fire, giving us further reason to dislike ourselves.

The cycle of self-hate is cause for much suffering. When we believe we are flawed, we act out in self-defeating behavior, thereby reinforcing our flawed nature, and the cycle continues. This cycle needs to stop if we are to be happy and free.

In past articles I have explored some of the origins of our negative beliefs. Although knowing who has fed us these lies about our nature may be important, it is not essential for changing our life. If we are willing to challenge our core beliefs, let’s start with an intention.

Are you willing to consider the possibility that your essential nature is good and unflawed?

This doesn’t mean you have to believe it now; just consider the possibility. Keep in mind that being inherently good does not preclude us from undergoing difficult times. Feeling lost or scared and reacting unfavorably to difficult situations are just a part of the human experience, not proof of wrongness in us. There is nothing wrong with us. Life is simply full of experiences, both pleasant and hard. We may amend any harm we have done, remember our intention to be kind, and practice. There is no perfection, only practice.

For those of us willing to consider the possibility, here are some suggestions:

• Practice gentleness. Have compassion for yourself and others as you get caught up in the cycle of self-hate. Be gentle with yourself even when you act out in self-defeating ways. Know that you are suffering and need healing, not criticism.

• Find a teacher or mentor who can mirror your innate goodness to you.

• Challenge your beliefs by examining your experience as it is, and not as you believe it to be.

• Accept yourself as you are now rather than focusing on who you think you should be. Healing is a process and happens over time.

• Foster the relationships and communities that support you and be willing to let go of the ones that don’t

Article by: Sevin Philips, MFT